and fuck a low self-esteem. I hate it. I'm so tired of looking in the mirror and hating what I see. I try to dress up and look nice, but then I'm just trying too damn hard. I can never really win with myself. I should feel "better" about myself considering I've lost like 50 pounds, but that doesn't seem to work. I feel just like I did before. And to top it off my fucking doctor is like "you know, 50 pounds in 2 years is not a lot - and you're still overweight. You could try harder" - in a bitchy tone- maybe it was constructive critisimsm. but still.
Everyone around me seems to grow prettier, but I feel the same. I pour my heart out to my parents telling them how I feel about myself and all I get is "That is so stupid, why do you care what people think anyways?" and they're right - but I was in tears and all I needed was some comfort and someone to talk to.
I've been having bulimia relapses in the past few months and it's the only thing that makes me feel like complete shit, yet gives me one of the greatest satisfaction (as nasty as that sounds.) Sometimes I feel like I can't swallow my food and other days are just fine. I've thought about seeking help, but I'm afraid to tell my mom. She's too judgmental.
I just honestly don't know what's going on lately. I've been so sensative. Maybe I'm just a whiney kid who wants attention or who knows. I really don't know at the moment.
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